Panic

Surrounding noise,
suddenly so far away; 
light-headed, shaking.
Can't breathe,
I want to run,
unable to sit still.
It is actually painful
to remain in one place.
I want to scream.
I do cry and shake 
and cry some more.
I need to escape,
run from the pain,
somewhere, anywhere, 
but there is no escape.
It is always with me.
It is like a choker 
around my throat.
Finally, not being able
to escape or get better
I make the Leap 
of  Concrete Faith.

Brain Strain

Whirling thoughts,
scrambling around; 
brain is overwrought
peace is sought.

Brain distraught
peace won't be found
nerves are really taut
tension fraught.

Intimidation

He pulled up and parked behind me
in a cream colored Toyota.
He was a white, male, had
reddish blonde hair and fairly thin.

He drew my attention when he
pulled a stocking mask up over
his head. I was scared, mad.
I left quickly with much chagrin.

I think he was aiming for me.
For what, I am really not sure.
I have an impression
it had to do with where I was.

Parallel parked on a slow street
at that time of day insecure;
perfect for aggression.
there were just not that many cars.

I was close to where my crush stayed;
A congressman I supported
for a very long time.
He was upset by attention.

I think he was assigned to prey
on my fears of rape reported
a way back, distant crime.
He certainly built the tension.

The congressman's aides cared little
that I was in quite deep distress,
just desired me gone
regardless of what it might take.

I'd already been belittled
So now I was being oppressed;
used me as a pawn
when the election was at stake.


©2012 Cherie R. Boeneman

What's The Difference?

I have some challenges, I admit.
I have depression, anxiety,
Asperger's Syndrome and PTSD.
That's a lot I definitely submit.

Many Aspies are somewhat akin,
suffering some of the same things.
Co-morbidity is what it is called;
happens because we took it on the chin.


Our brains are wired kind of differently,
so we think in somewhat distinctive ways.
The world is somewhat unkind to us
when we study our subjects intently.

Depression is where most problems come
for me, feeling like I don't belong.
Worthlessness and hopelessness both afflict
me and I very often will succumb.

Anxiety hurts me a lot as well;
It keeps me from going out very much.
Social functions are quite difficult;
fear of being judged makes them seem like hell.

All in all, my challenges are these:
How to fit in a world that cannot know
what it's like to have a brain that works 
like it's from a distant world of green cheese.

And how to cope with my own feelings 
resulting from social pressures on me
and misunderstandings that arise
after these  interpersonal dealings.

Do not judge me too quickly or  harshly
until you have walked a mile in these shoes.
I do not understand you either. 
We can know one another partially.

Anxiety Attack

I want to crawl out of my skin.
I do not want to sit quietly.
My breathing won't still,
I think that's called anxiety.

I feel a sense of panicking,
I want to get up and run away.
The air closes in
and my very last nerves are frayed.

I need to get sleep sometime soon.
I get maybe an hour or two.
I'm exhausted
but somehow I need to get through.

It's time to remember to breathe
in and out slowly and deeply 
It starts to help
the anxiety drops steeply.

Anxiety

My body keeps moving,
it's never at rest.
My mind keeps racing;
anxiety, distress.

I just want to know peace
and freedom from fear;
release from worry,
feeling calm would be dear.

I'm easily startled
and jumpy ever; 
I'd like to relax,
no fright whatsoever.

The Whale Jail

Consumed by my problems

as Jonah by the whale,

I sit in gloomy silence

inside my self-made jail.

9/1997

The Panic Attack

My heart  is racing,
I'm on edge,
expecting something awful,
nervous, claustrophobic
feet can't stop moving.

Feeling the need to
go somewhere,
anywhere:  I must escape.
From what, who, I don't know,
just that it's required.

Walls are closing in,
let me out;
feeling like a prisoner
wearing orange in my own home.
I have to get away.

Feeling's oppressive
a compulsion,
an inner drive to survive
my psyche screams out in pain
"You can't hold me here!"

I stop and breathe deep;
slowly, in, out.
Focusing on the breathing
helps the feelings to subside.
Slowly control returns.