Depression

It is like finding a deep hole and laying down
or being underwater and not able to breathe
The only difference is that you seem not to care, 
and have a wish for it just to be over. It's not.

You want it all to end, so the pain will too.
It seems there are no other ways out.
There are endless brick walls in your path
and no way to find your way back.

As you sink farther the abyss gets blacker,
soul's vacuum and spiritual void forever.
The cosmos doesn't care about your plight;
you are a minuscule atom in an entire universe.

You believe the universe has a point.

©2012  Cherie R. Boeneman

Faith and Depression

It has always seemed like such a contradiction: how could someone who firmly believes in Jesus as the Christ also be depressed and suicidal? They do not go together in the normal schema of faith.If you believe in the saving grace of Jesus then there ought to be no room for despair, hopelessness, depression and suicidal thoughts, right? Nope. It turns out that the same person who believes the former also suffers with the rest. It may seem like a contradiction but the reality is that they co-exist.

The problem lies with the failure to understand depression as the organic illness it really is. Many Christians see depression as a spiritual failure, somehow the fault  of the depressed person for not having enough faith. The truth is, depression is an organic, definable illness in the same way heart disease is. Not many of us would classify heart attacks as a failure of faith. Neither should we define depression that way. Depression is caused by real imbalances in brain chemicals and complicated by life events.One may or may not question the role of faith in the life events but to call an imbalance of seratonin, dopamine and other chemicals in the brain a lack of faith is a serious failure to even try to understand the true nature of depression.

The Church, as a whole, needs to do a better job educating parishioners about mental illness in general and depression in particular. Though MILLIONS of us suffer from depression every year in this country only 3 in 100 sufferers seek help. That has to change. There should be no more shame in seeking help for depression than in going to the doctor for cancer. Indeed there should be no shame in being depressed at all. It is not  a matter of fault or blame. It JUST IS.

I have a Masters Degree in Theology and my home church was quite proud when I was ordained Deacon in the United Methodist Church. They were less thrilled when I left the ministry but they were still my home church. They managed to get their investment back by using my gifts and graces as much as they possibly could. At some points, I felt like an unpaid pastor. But then I suffered a breakdown and was hospitalized several times. I will NEVER forget that first Sunday back to church. Not ONE person either looked at me or talked to me! I never went back. These were the people who raised me in the faith. And yet, they could not deal with someone who had been suicidal and depressed. It was extremely painful but I understood the stigma that still attaches to mental illness and depression.

My message to the Church is this: What would Jesus do? First of all, he would heal me. But he would NEVER judge me or anyone else suffering from depression. Blame the disease not the patient. Jesus loves us all unconditionally. We ALL have our weaknesses and we are ALL sinners. But mental illness, in and of itself, is not a sin. It is a disease. It is no more sinful than having cancer. If and when the Church and broader society GETS that fact, the stigma may begin to disappear and the mentally ill may be included in society in a fuller and broader way. I hope and pray not too many more of us are ostracized before that happens.

What's The Difference?

I have some challenges, I admit.
I have depression, anxiety,
Asperger's Syndrome and PTSD.
That's a lot I definitely submit.

Many Aspies are somewhat akin,
suffering some of the same things.
Co-morbidity is what it is called;
happens because we took it on the chin.


Our brains are wired kind of differently,
so we think in somewhat distinctive ways.
The world is somewhat unkind to us
when we study our subjects intently.

Depression is where most problems come
for me, feeling like I don't belong.
Worthlessness and hopelessness both afflict
me and I very often will succumb.

Anxiety hurts me a lot as well;
It keeps me from going out very much.
Social functions are quite difficult;
fear of being judged makes them seem like hell.

All in all, my challenges are these:
How to fit in a world that cannot know
what it's like to have a brain that works 
like it's from a distant world of green cheese.

And how to cope with my own feelings 
resulting from social pressures on me
and misunderstandings that arise
after these  interpersonal dealings.

Do not judge me too quickly or  harshly
until you have walked a mile in these shoes.
I do not understand you either. 
We can know one another partially.

Is The Democratic Party Inclusive Enough?

I find it interesting that since I have developed severe depression (currently seeking help), I have been uninvited from volunteering for democratic campaigns. Most notably,  Sander Levin for Congress. This hurts the most because the first political campaign I ever worked on was when Sandy Levin ran for Governor of Michigan in 1974. I was in high school and spent a lot of time stuffing and licking envelopes, licking stamps and making phone calls. He has been my congressman for most of the time since 1984 and I worked on campaigns for him off and on, especially in 1992 when I was precinct captain. The off years mostly had to do with work schedules. I have always been a supporter of the congressman. Now, to be uninvited from being a volunteer makes me a little sick to my stomach. Yes, I am suffering from depression. I would think it would be understandable given the fact that I have been unemployed for 3 1/2 years, have no income, no health insurance, no assets and my 78 year old mother has Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma but still has to work in order to keep a roof over our heads. I have creditors dogging me day and night and our condo is worth less than 1/4 of what it is mortgaged for. So yes, I AM depressed. I can't find a job and that makes me feel worthless in and of itself.  

A large part of the reason I got involved with the Obama Campaign in February as a Spring Fellow was to keep myself busy and work on a great cause. Not to mention having something I could put on my resume. I was feeling really good about myself during that period. But the Fellowship ended and the leadership changed in Oakland County and I ended up the odd one out. I needed to be hired on a Field Organizer in order to be able to afford to keep driving to Pontiac but that didn't happen. So, I started volunteering for Sandy Levin. I did mailings, phone calling, walked in parades and a lit drop. Then the depression  and generalized anxiety disorder really hit and suddenly I was no longer welcome. 

I find it fascinating that so many people in his district are either unemployed and suffering from mental illness or both. They/we are still voting constituents. The mentally ill still deserve to be treated with respect and dignity. Yes, it is uncomfortable sometimes. But if  someone with a mental illness (especially depression) wants to volunteer, why shouldn't they? Why shouldn't people with mental illness or 
developmental disabilities be active in the Democratic Party? This is another challenge to the Democratic Party to be as inclusive as they claim to be.  

*ALL content herein is the opinion of the author

Had Enough

All I want is hope.
I can't seem to buy it.
Looking everywhere
finding less than none.


It almost seems like 
someone is against me
trying to hurt me
just for their own fun.


Everything I try
to get help for myself
doesn't seem to work;
I'm coming undone.


Why won't anything
go right for me these days?
Everything I do
seems to get me shunned.


I'm giving up now;
I've really had enough.
No one wants me here
so I say I'm done.

The Whale Jail

Consumed by my problems

as Jonah by the whale,

I sit in gloomy silence

inside my self-made jail.

9/1997

Today

Today...

Twisting my soul,

Taking it, tearing it

Into bloody bits of future

Terror...

5/1974

Silence

Silence...

A welcome sound.

Peace, when it's needed most.

Death, your arms reach out to grasp me.

...I'm here.

Take me...

I want to leave.

Life's sharp needles murder...

Sitting inside me just waiting...

Waiting...

Fall, 1973

Is Anybody There?

They say you're the professionals,
the ones I'm supposed to trust.
If you can help me I haven't seen it yet.
All we've done is paperwork
So  far it's been a bust.


I looked for help cause I'm depressed,
want to commit suicide
You won't even let me say the word aloud;
too much trouble I suppose.
You take it all in stride.


When do we get to therapy?
It has been quite awhile.
The medication has not started to work
I'm as depressed as I was
I'm feeling quite as vile.


When do I get some help from you?
What is it I have to do?
I'm still thinking about how to kill myself;
I still know how I'll do it
and when I'll bid adieu. 


How, when do I get through to you?
I've been trying to tell you;
you don't want to hear what I have been saying
so do I have to scream it
or just carry it through?

Down Then Out

Hopelessness by itself
is bad enough
but when followed by
a temporary reprieve
that is ripped away
without any warning,
it seems a weight
beyond bearing.

Worthlessness is somber
also perhaps
unrealistic.
But it's the darkest,
blackest and deepest pit;
bottomless hole,
so despairing.

Depression feels endless
or so it seems.
It envelopes, chokes;
it asphyxiates
soul without sensation;
only sadness,
all unsparing.

Salvation can be found
in strange places:
working on a cause
gives off oxygen,
breathing is easier
when you're busy,
when there's caring.

Final Freedom

Freedom:
You don't care
what I say or do
as long as it
doesn't impact you.


My life 
means nothing
if I stay clear
of you at all;
don't increase your fear.


Freedom,
Worthlessness
means that I can
do what I must
to make my last stand.


Best part:
No one cares
except for one;
she's better off
after I am gone.


Dark? Yes.
But it's true,
the way I feel.

Now, it may pass, 
right now it is real.

Fear Not

Fear freezes

feelings fast.

Anger acts

against all.

Hopelessness'

heavy hold.

Loneliness

lingers, lives.

Depression

decides: die.

Caring calls,

creates choice.

Loneliness

languishes.

Hope holds, halts

heavy heart.

Relief rests,

releases.

Fear fast fades

feelings free.

 

Running...

Tired but wanting to run
away, far away
from myself, everyone.


Tired of the deeper pain
sitting in my soul,
creating a bloody stain


Tired of being a weight,
burden on you all;
wanting a different fate.


Wanting to be like you
not like who I am;
needing to be normal too.


Wanting is not getting
I realize that;
it really is upsetting.


Wanting, yearning, crying
to be what I can't;
leads me to think of dying.


Dying: a way to run...

Where Do You Turn

Where do you go
when there's no place to turn,
when you need help
when you have been spurned?


What do you do
when you're over the edge,
when you reach out,
find only the ledge?


Who do you know
who might see what you need
when you're falling
with increasing speed?


When do you show
people that you need aid?
Can you request
help while you're afraid?


Why is it hard
to just come out and ask
for what you need,
stop wearing a mask?


How do you stop
fearing being ignored
let down your guard,
have your faith restored?


I do not know
the answers to give you
except to say:
Just try it:  do.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow has never been my friend
so I have no idea why I should
decide now to give it one more try.


Tomorrow is always round the bend
making promises to me, "You could"...
somehow always turning out a lie.


Tomorrow never comes in the end.
Hope is an illusion, it's no good
waiting around, so I say good-bye.


C. Boeneman
6/24/2012

Flotsam

She was an infinitismal 
piece of universal flotsam 
acknowledging 
her reality with a 
final flight to a grey 
cement grave.